get off my case

You make me sick.

Day in and day out, I get these emails:
"Make your wang take charge of the Bering Strait."
"Your employer wants you to have a larger manhood"
"Next Christmas, brag about how you can hang your condom from the mantle in place of a stocking"

My advice to you all is to take your business elsewhere. When it comes to that ONE THING, Johns Grocket has no need to act. It's the real deal, creeps.

You people ride me so hard I feel like I need a suppository! Why? BECAUSITORY!

--
- J.G.

good friday -OR- no homework this weekend

Did I fool you?

Acting like I didn't care enough to make a post on Good Friday. Well, I'll tell you that I hold this day in high regard. In fact, its the universally-accepted day of the year when an actor's skills are at their peak. Sure most would think that that would happen during the summer, but I hope I squashed the remaining life out of that twitching myth. Having nothing scheduled for today but acting practice (like I need it), this presents an excellent opportunity to develop some of my lesser-used skills.

My moustache is finally working its way back to its former self. I should have never shaved it in the first place. That thing was in its prime!

I'm not blogging this weekend. I've got an acting tele-conference scheduled for Saturday afternoon where I'll be demonstrating my homework for the local actor's guild. (Local 513!) This week, our homework was to become Sean Connery and read a scene from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist (2002). I'm quite proud of my choice of scene. Without giving it away, I'll drop a little hint:

"Hmmm,,, Birdie, Birdie.."

Sunday's are off limits. Both to you and to my mother. I don't even allow my house keepers to see me on Sundays.

--
- J.G.

breakfast celebrity

I've begun trying out certain exercises in an attempt to keep my superior acting skills honed. I've taken to reading the back label of different products in various tones. For instance, yesterday I took fifteen minutes studying the back of a cereal box. After giving it a good going-over, I decided I'd work this into a tragedy. Below is my monologue:

Your crunch... Your munch... After so many fleeting moments, you teased me with your sugary facade. Sure, I knew that beneath it all, you weren't as sweet as you let on... but I thought you were worth it... When in reality, you were truly nothing more than a flake... A very fake flake, firm and delightful when it all started but buckling and becoming tasteless in what seemed like a matter of moments... You truly surrounded yourself with the wrong environment, and now look at you - a mere shell of your former self.

Now THAT'S talent. I dare you to find somebody who's willing and able to take breakfast and spin it into Britney Spears' life.

--
- J.G.

excellent actor

I guess I'm a better actor than I had previously given myself credit. A day after setting up my blog, I got an email from GOOGLE stating that unless I type in a super-mystery code on an equally secret website, that my blog will be barred from the internet and my career ruined. That's right, I turned in such a performance, that I fooled the entire GOOGLE corporation into believing I was a spam robot. As I've mentioned before, I'm an excellent famous actor. I thought by publishing myself on the computerweb, I'd drum up interest in my vast talents. Well, blogger - you just got a free-bee! My blog has been up for about a week now, but it sure hasn't been working for me! I showed them who's a robot.

Let me give you a taste of what to expect here. I'm a famous internet actor who's looking for work. I'll use this blog mainly to chronicle my search for the perfect role, but also as a tool to advertise my talents. I won't come easy. I won't come cheap.

A funny story, though. I'm quite ashamed of my current situation regarding my moustache. You see, I'm well renown for my fullness of body that my moustache typically exhibits. Since my last role, I decided to give my 'stash a trim and I'm sad to report that while I'm vastly skilled in acting - I'm only a novice at hair trimming. As a result, I trimmed my 'stash a bit too short. I'm not proud of it. You won't get a discount if you choose to hire me based simply on a moustache mistake. Hair grows back. Talent doesn't. Give me a few days to grow the 'stash back to its usual "hampster on my upper-lip" level and maybe I'll put a picture or two up here.

--
- J.G.